I haven’t written in a while; my grandmother died at the age of 88 and the whole family drove down to attended the funeral near San Francisco. There’s nothing like being exhausted and then getting in the car with 4 small children for 11-12 hours on the road :). Caleb was car sick on the way down. Vomit, small children and long car rides! But, we were grateful I was well enough to be able to support my mom. My Nana had been in the end stages of Alzheimer’s for a long time and was
bed-ridden for the last few months so we are glad that she is finally able to rest after a long life.
So, how am I doing? I’m not sure. Holding in there but so very tired. I am more tired than I was during Chemo by far. I am struggling with nausea and compulsive sleeping (aka: passing out) again, from the fatigue, with few opportunities to rest. My mom comes to watch the kids while I am at radiation and then I am on my own for the rest of the day most of the time. Thankfully Silvia (a friend from church) is coming a few days a week to chauffeur me to radiation so that I don’t fall asleep on the road (yes, I will call you soon Terri so you can help too!), and the women at church are working to bring meals on Tuesday and Thursday. I am so tired that half the time I don’t think about what we are going to eat until 4pm so this has been a God-send.
I’m getting fairly crispy. The area that is being radiated is fairly large. I have first and second
degree burns from my sternum up past my collar bone to the top of my shoulder blade and under my arm pit on the left side; the worst right now is under my arm pit and where my arm joins my chest where the skin is a dark reddish-purple and blistered (Thank you, but I don’t need any ideas of different types of creams. My doctor and I have a skin care treatment plan in place. It’s just that continually cooking your skin every day causes more damage than can heal before the next treatment, even with creams, aloe, etc. ). All the burned skin itches like crazy even with prescription anti-itch cream. The radiation oncologist, Dr. Gemmel, has been helping me make a pain management plan for when the burns get bad enough to do more than the ache they are now. The radiation also cooks the fascia, the tissue that connects the ribs together, and my ribs are starting to ache where the fascia has tightened and is pulling on the ribs. Hopefully it won’t get to the point that I need to be taking a narcotic. I am only able to wear large shirts now (no undergarments) because bras and tank-tops rub on my burns. Not having a breast on one side and not being able to wear a mastectomy bra will make appearing in public more…interesting. I have 10 rounds of radiation left and unless I miss an appointment will finish December 5th (the office is closed on Thanksgiving Day). Besides the 7 tattoo dots that I already have, Dr. Gemmel said that I might get some cool new freckles after the skin heals.
It’s funny to be in a part of cancer treatment people don’t understand very much. My hair is starting
to really come in so people who I haven’t seen in a while remark, “Wow! You look good,” all spoken in a very surprised voice. I think people expect me took look one step from the grave and assume that I feel really good if I am smiling. Why is it that everyone tells me to “keep up the positive attitude”, but no one understands how I can be both joyful and in treatment for cancer? I must not look as tired as I feel. I’ve had people treat me as if I must not be a “real” cancer patient or that my suffering must be minimal because for the most part I suffer in silence. I want to be able to help people understand what I am going through in a way that helps people think about cancer patients as real people without resorting to making a running list of all my side effects when people ask how I
am doing.
I don’t know if you know the story about Moses and how he would go up and talk to God on Mount Sinai. People said that when he came down off the mountain after talking with God that his face shown. I don’t know if that is a literal thing or if it was that there was just this discernible
something about him that pierced into people’s hearts telling them he knew God. I want to be like Moses. I want to be so close to the source of all love and joy that it radiates out from my skin. Maybe the radiation will burn away my selfishness and self-focus so that I can be more like God. I think that can be one of the gifts of cancer, if you choose it, to look at death in the face and ask the hard questions. Why are we here on earth? Can there be something bigger than my suffering? Can anything good come out of something painful? I know I am a better person for these experiences, however hard. I have
been able to figure out how to be thankful for each day, how to choose
joy and let go of "how it should be", I'm running after the
person I want to be with abandon. Isn't it funny that this Thanksgiving
I can thank God that this year I was diagnosed with cancer? At this
time last year I never could have even imagined the place I am now. I
am so grateful for another Thanksgiving to be alive.
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