When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer I resisted the idea of having a blog. I hated
people asking me how I was doing. I wanted to scream at people that
asked me, "I'm stuck in a nightmare, how do you think I feel?" I was
angry even at the idea that other people would read about my
experiences. It felt invasive. I hated the necessity of the website.
Now
I am grateful for this space to lay myself bare, not for the publicity,
but for the catharsis of writing even if I am the only audience. On
nights like tonight when I lay awake in the dark and the thoughts whirl
endlessly around in my head, I can come here and find some relief.
I
feel like I am doing better lately, not so much better physically, but
it has been easier to keep hold of Jesus. When I don't remember to pray
and to read my bible I descend quickly into morbidity. Even with early
stage breast cancer, for women my age the mortality rate is so high it
is easy to focus only on that and to feel as if an early death is
inevitable. By focusing on Jesus I can remember that living is not about
fearing death, we will all die, but living is loving others, and I can
be grateful for the gift of each day that I have the privilege to share
with others, especially my family.
Even with all the emphasis in
the media about awareness of breast cancer and early detection, there is
still a lot of misconceptions about breast cancer. It is not like
other cancers where the tumor can be excised and then you are "cured". I
went to a conference in Philadelphia this past weekend hosted by Living
Beyond Breast Cancer. I am a person who reads a lot normally, but it
is especially comforting to me when I am stressed so I have read a lot
about breast cancer. There was a lot of really wonderful information at
the conference; some of it stuff I had read or heard before but
presented in a way that made it fresh or deepened my understanding, some
of it new. What makes breast cancer so hard to treat is how complex a
disease it is, which I had heard before. Breast cancer cells actually
co-opt your immune system's cells to fight for the cancer tumors,
which was new information to me. I knew that breast cancer spreads via
the vascular system, through the blood. I didn't know that researchers
think that this happens very early on, before you can feel a discernible
lump. This is why early detection is so important: if you can feel a
lump, the cancer is probably floating around in your system. The
circulating cells are why surgery isn't enough for breast cancer, why
chemo is necessary beyond a certain stage. Researchers don't know why
chemo kills the circulating cells in some people and not in others.
This is also why breast cancer is so deadly in young women. We are "too
young" for mammograms and so we find the lumps ourselves while
breastfeeding, like me, or while putting on a bra, in pregnancy; but
anyway we find the lumps, the cancer has such a greater chance of having
gone systemic.
I have embarked on a change in diet in order to
reduce my risk of re-occurrence. Research has shown that a very low fat
diet helps as well as being as skinny as possible without being
underweight. I am also trying to get into shape, a hard thing to do
between chemo and surgeries and radiation. But if I am going to fight
for my life, I am going to fight. I was walking 4 days a week by
the end of Chemo and up until my last surgery. I will hopefully be
cleared to walk again by the surgeon after he removes my stitches. I am
going to train to run a 15K in March with my sister (that's a little
over 9 miles) near my 1 year cancerversary. But I don't care if I have
to crawl the damn thing, I am going to do it.
People who
know me well know that I can be a stubborn, obstinate woman and I am
willing to put that steel of my will into this arena as well. Training
to run like that with 4 little kids will take determination. Losing
weight like that will take discipline. But it isn't just for fun, I
want to live.
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