Monday night was a low for me. I wasn't just feeling tired, but
energy-less, nauseous from the mouth sores swelling my throat plus how
much they hurt. Then I needed to be on baby duty because Josh had to
get up for work at 3am. Kate is teething again and sleeping terribly
and I would just fall asleep when she would wake again in about 1 hour
intervals until I couldn't sleep because I was so tired. So, I found
myself awake at 3 am with a very sad and tired baby wanting to cry I was
so desperate to sleep knowing how bad my body felt then and knowing
that I would need to get up with the other kids in 3 to 4 hours.
I remember laying on our bed next to Kate and my prayer was something like, Jesus it would be wonderful if Kate slept a couple of hours in a row, but I don't even necessarily need that. I am at my end, then end of my body's ability to handle my life, the end of my endurance. I have been memorizing the part of the Bible about suffering producing endurance, but I am out of endurance. I need to be able to get up in 3 hours and not hurt and not be nauseous, I'm so tired of nausea. I can't go through my day with 3 hours sleep. Would you please make so that my sleep is like a nights rest for my body? I need something I don't have and can't get.
I hear a lot from people that I must be frustrated with the "why" of my cancer, but that doesn't bother me. People I know have asked me some version of, "Why God doesn't heal you if you believe in Him so strongly?" But healing my cancer isn't a requirement for it to mean that God loves me. We are all going to die and most of us won't get to choose when that is; cancer doesn't change that. What I do need from God is an ability to love, to laugh, to live my life. That is what is hard for me. Besides the surgeries and the direct effects of Chemo, I have had a horrible cold for the better part of 8 weeks now that I can't get over because my immune system is so compromised; and it is wearing on the spirit when the body is that tired from fighting off illness and dealing with nausea and...etc.
And so, maybe it is weird, but I feel like it was an amazing miracle when I woke Tuesday morning. I didn't wake up with a "now you don't have to do Chemo" or even feeling particularly amazing in my body. I got 3.5 hours of sleep. I was really tired. My miracle was that I was just tired. I woke up and felt like in the late hours of the night God had renewed my spirit, my desire to love, my heart to deal with my body and not be self pitying. I felt the fulfillment of the end of the promise of Romans 5:5, that God had poured his love into my heart and returned my joy.
Romans 5:3-5 "Not only that, but we even boast of our afflictions, knowing that affliction produces endurance, and endurance, proven character, and proven character, hope, and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out into our hearts through the holy Spirit that has been given us." (NAB version)
I remember laying on our bed next to Kate and my prayer was something like, Jesus it would be wonderful if Kate slept a couple of hours in a row, but I don't even necessarily need that. I am at my end, then end of my body's ability to handle my life, the end of my endurance. I have been memorizing the part of the Bible about suffering producing endurance, but I am out of endurance. I need to be able to get up in 3 hours and not hurt and not be nauseous, I'm so tired of nausea. I can't go through my day with 3 hours sleep. Would you please make so that my sleep is like a nights rest for my body? I need something I don't have and can't get.
I hear a lot from people that I must be frustrated with the "why" of my cancer, but that doesn't bother me. People I know have asked me some version of, "Why God doesn't heal you if you believe in Him so strongly?" But healing my cancer isn't a requirement for it to mean that God loves me. We are all going to die and most of us won't get to choose when that is; cancer doesn't change that. What I do need from God is an ability to love, to laugh, to live my life. That is what is hard for me. Besides the surgeries and the direct effects of Chemo, I have had a horrible cold for the better part of 8 weeks now that I can't get over because my immune system is so compromised; and it is wearing on the spirit when the body is that tired from fighting off illness and dealing with nausea and...etc.
And so, maybe it is weird, but I feel like it was an amazing miracle when I woke Tuesday morning. I didn't wake up with a "now you don't have to do Chemo" or even feeling particularly amazing in my body. I got 3.5 hours of sleep. I was really tired. My miracle was that I was just tired. I woke up and felt like in the late hours of the night God had renewed my spirit, my desire to love, my heart to deal with my body and not be self pitying. I felt the fulfillment of the end of the promise of Romans 5:5, that God had poured his love into my heart and returned my joy.
Romans 5:3-5 "Not only that, but we even boast of our afflictions, knowing that affliction produces endurance, and endurance, proven character, and proven character, hope, and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out into our hearts through the holy Spirit that has been given us." (NAB version)
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