I haven’t come to give an update here in a long time. I keep meaning to let you all know how I am
doing, and finally found the motivation given recent events in Colorado, I thought it might be nice to hear about something good.
Mostly I didn’t come and write because I was mind-numbingly tired. I’ve decided that’s a great phrase to describe the level of fatigue I was experiencing. Starting about mid-April I got more and more tired, sleeping 10, then 12 hours a day and waking so tired I felt sick to my stomach. It was all I could do to drag myself out of bed to sit on the couch. It’s hard to think or feel much when you are that tired. It’s not that I got depressed in that I was sad, I just didn’t have the energy to feel joy or sadness except for brief moments. I didn’t have the energy to spare to write, I didn’t go online much at all really. My oncologist ran some tests, my vitamin D was low but nothing really was the matter except having gone through cancer treatment. Another wonderful chance to learn patience.
And so, here we are near the end of July and things are picking up! I held a garage sale on Saturday
and was able to get ready for and then hold the garage sale before I got tired and sick. Wonder of all wonders I was able to do some cleaning and gardening yesterday without crashing even though I more than spent my energy on Saturday. I slept 10 hours last night and woke up feeling refreshed. Today I planted some flowers, mopped the kitchen floor myself for the first time since March of 2011 and am about to fold about 100 baskets of clean laundry.
I think I am, also a miracle, becoming more patient with my limitations. Pop quiz: what’s the difference between being so tired you can’t do anything and a vacation? My answer: my attitude.
I’ve been listening to the radio this morning and all the talk about how senseless the killing was and thought maybe you would appreciate my perspective.
Cancer doesn’t make much sense to doctors, let alone small children. The kids still ask me that fated question of “why?” “Mommy, why did you get cancer?” I can’t even explain it on a physical level, but even if I could that doesn’t really answer their question.
Caleb (age 6), “If God really created the universe then couldn’t he just take your cancer away?”
I could answer with sound theological arguments but really the answer is, “Yes, God could have taken my cancer away.”
“Well, why didn’t he?”
Again, I could give an answer from my head, but from my heart I answer, “I don’t know... Do you want to know what I do know?”
“Sure, mom.”
“I know that God loves me even when bad things happen. I know that God loves you. I know that if I died I would sit right next to Jesus and make sure he knew that you need lots of love. I know that even if I died you would still have people here on earth to love and care for you.”
When tragedy happens do we really need the big theological answers? How can you possibly make sense out of senseless violence?
I believe in God. He chose to not stop the man who killed all those innocent people. I know that in the midst of the most unbelievably hard things that he loves us and is just waiting for us to talk to him. He cares about all the little things: when you are tired, when you are frustrated, when you spill your coffee (or your child does) on your favorite book, when the baby (true story, happened last Wednesday) throws up INTO your favorite pair of shoes. Jesus wants to be close through all the big things, good and bad.
So next time someone asks you a huge question, don’t be afraid to give a child’s answer.
doing, and finally found the motivation given recent events in Colorado, I thought it might be nice to hear about something good.
Mostly I didn’t come and write because I was mind-numbingly tired. I’ve decided that’s a great phrase to describe the level of fatigue I was experiencing. Starting about mid-April I got more and more tired, sleeping 10, then 12 hours a day and waking so tired I felt sick to my stomach. It was all I could do to drag myself out of bed to sit on the couch. It’s hard to think or feel much when you are that tired. It’s not that I got depressed in that I was sad, I just didn’t have the energy to feel joy or sadness except for brief moments. I didn’t have the energy to spare to write, I didn’t go online much at all really. My oncologist ran some tests, my vitamin D was low but nothing really was the matter except having gone through cancer treatment. Another wonderful chance to learn patience.
And so, here we are near the end of July and things are picking up! I held a garage sale on Saturday
and was able to get ready for and then hold the garage sale before I got tired and sick. Wonder of all wonders I was able to do some cleaning and gardening yesterday without crashing even though I more than spent my energy on Saturday. I slept 10 hours last night and woke up feeling refreshed. Today I planted some flowers, mopped the kitchen floor myself for the first time since March of 2011 and am about to fold about 100 baskets of clean laundry.
I think I am, also a miracle, becoming more patient with my limitations. Pop quiz: what’s the difference between being so tired you can’t do anything and a vacation? My answer: my attitude.
I’ve been listening to the radio this morning and all the talk about how senseless the killing was and thought maybe you would appreciate my perspective.
Cancer doesn’t make much sense to doctors, let alone small children. The kids still ask me that fated question of “why?” “Mommy, why did you get cancer?” I can’t even explain it on a physical level, but even if I could that doesn’t really answer their question.
Caleb (age 6), “If God really created the universe then couldn’t he just take your cancer away?”
I could answer with sound theological arguments but really the answer is, “Yes, God could have taken my cancer away.”
“Well, why didn’t he?”
Again, I could give an answer from my head, but from my heart I answer, “I don’t know... Do you want to know what I do know?”
“Sure, mom.”
“I know that God loves me even when bad things happen. I know that God loves you. I know that if I died I would sit right next to Jesus and make sure he knew that you need lots of love. I know that even if I died you would still have people here on earth to love and care for you.”
When tragedy happens do we really need the big theological answers? How can you possibly make sense out of senseless violence?
I believe in God. He chose to not stop the man who killed all those innocent people. I know that in the midst of the most unbelievably hard things that he loves us and is just waiting for us to talk to him. He cares about all the little things: when you are tired, when you are frustrated, when you spill your coffee (or your child does) on your favorite book, when the baby (true story, happened last Wednesday) throws up INTO your favorite pair of shoes. Jesus wants to be close through all the big things, good and bad.
So next time someone asks you a huge question, don’t be afraid to give a child’s answer.
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