I don't write here because I want people to feed bad or guilty. I
write because it helps me to get my feelings out. Being a cancer
patient is very isolating. I am on a different schedule than the rest
of the "normal" planet. I am at the doctor every day or almost every
day and when I am not I am exhausted. I don't go out like I used to, I
am too tired. It is what it is: cancer sucks. I haven't had a visit
from a friend in two months. I don't say that to make people upset or
guilt trip, but because I am lonely. I am stuck in treatment land with
very few people to walk with me.
Maybe it is intimidating to talk
with me or to initiate a visit. I get upset and offended more easily
these days. I don't like it when people tell me I have a nice shaped
head or how at least I am still alive now. I don't like it when people
tell me how I should be feeling, like "stay positive". What I want are
friends who will care enough to listen. Even to just listen via this
venue.
Let me tell you about my day.
Kate (she turned 1 on
Oct 7th! ) is a terrible sleeper and was up again in the middle of the
night last night. She's getting in 1 year molars and the transition off
of formula has been really hard for her digestive system. Josh gets up
with her in the night because it makes me feel sick to do so. I don't
remember his coming back to bed, but Kate slept from 4am to 8am when I
woke up for the morning. It was kind of a shock to wake up so late on a
week day. Joy was also still asleep and Faith & Caleb had put on a
movie when they woke. I am so grateful for their letting me sleep.
I
have been really struggling with nausea and fatigue this past week. I
don't know why. I am assuming it is just a long term side effect of the
chemo. I will be asking the radiation oncologist when we meet for our
weekly appointment tomorrow. So although I woke grateful for the extra
sleep, I woke up exhausted and nauseous. My appointment today was what
they called "Day 0" and was at 11:45am and so I needed to get a move on
to get myself and the kids ready for the day. Takes me about 35 minutes
to drive to the cancer Center.
Something had to be adjusted on
the machine I was to be on and a patient was late so I waited about 1.5
hours to be called back for my appointment. Not that they are usually
late at the center, but so much of a patient's life is waiting for the
next thing. I had marks put on last Wednesday, some of which were taped
over so that they wouldn't wash off, so that the techs could align the
machine according to the plan drawn up by my doctor. There were several
x-rays done while I was laying in the position that I will receive my
radiation in so that they could get exactly set up like the drawings. I
had to lie still for about 1/2 hour in the same position; I don't want
to mess them up and endanger my heart any more than necessary. Then one
of the techs came and gave me 7 tattoos; tiny dots in blue ink to help
align the lasers for the machine.
It's weird to be there lying on
my back with my arms above my head, naked from the waist up, while
people I don't know (and yes one of them is male) write on my chest
where I used to have a breast so that I can willingly submit myself to
radiation. Maybe I am too tired anymore to feel anything but the
strangeness of it.
I got home in time to hug my kids and have a
cup of tea while I made some phone calls before I needed to start
dinner. I am still trying to figure out how we are going to be able to
afford the gas for 60 miles round trip every day. When I got home I had
to call to set up a meeting with a social worker from the center for
tomorrow to see if we can qualify some money for gas.
So crazy, huh? Day 0. 0 days down, 33 days of radiation to go.
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