I guess I dislike all the attention. Everyone stares. I am a cancer celebrity and hate it. I don't want to have to talk to everyone. I want to be able to grocery shop or pray at church or whatever without people's stares, whispers, or coming up to me to say something. I wish for the anonymity of hair. I got to choose then whom I spoke to for the most part without the world thinking that it now has the right to speak into my personal life. I know that everyone just means well. I know that everyone just wants to encourage me or ask questions. Whatever.
Today I do not care. I just want to be left alone to deal. Losing your hair is so public. Cancer is so public. I am tired of needing to be "on" all the time for people. And I know my friends would say, "Fine, then don't be on. Just be you." But you don't know how vulnerable it is to have total strangers talk to you about whether or not you are going to live. Because that is essentially what it is for me to talk about my treatment. That is the whole point of loosing my hair. That I not die in the end from Breast Cancer. So no. I don't want to talk about it with most people, and I want to chose a private time and place to "be real". And no, I don't want friends to sit with me during my Chemo infusions. At least right now that is. It is a very private thing for me.
I have Chemo #2 on Tuesday & I am dreading it, especially now that I know what it is like. Maybe I am just feeling raw this week. I feel so good physically. My energy is back and I don't want to return to the cancer treatment reality of Chemo #2. I don't want to talk about cancer. I don't want to lose my hair. I don't want people's pity. Maybe that is why I will choose to wear hats & scarves during my bald period. It's an emotional barrier for me. Helps me to deal with other people.
Craziness. Well, at least my friends Sarrahlynne & Kristen are coming for a visit tomorrow. I could use some cheerful company.
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