Peace, where did you go?

By Stephanie Sanders — Jul 19, 2011 12:45am

Tomorrow I start my next series of treatments with a new drug called, Taxol.  I will have 8 treatments, one per week, and I am afraid. Tomorrow is a day that we have never lived and most of the time we walk around in blissful ignorance of the fact that we have absolutely no control over what happens then. We choose what we wear, what we eat, if we will go to the store or not; but rarely ever in our minds do we dwell on the fact that Tomorrow is entirely unknown. As for me, I can't sleep tonight. I feel restless. Tomorrow I will go in a direction that would otherwise not be of my choosing. I will walk not in ignorance of the fact that I can not choose what my reaction to Taxol will be. I won't get to chose my response to the drug, it's effectiveness with my cancer, I won't get to choose the side effects that I experience.

Peace, where did you go?  Jesus, I do not want to die young and I can't think of little else tonight.  Will this Chemo work? Will I get to raise my children and see them grow into adults?  For the first time I am asking why on earth I am going through this.  So many women in my shoes will not make it to their 50th birthdays and we all so badly want to live. I want to live.  Help me to dream. Help me to dream of a life beyond cancer, beyond this diagnosis. Help me to hope, to live in the freedom of hope in your goodness, your love for me.  I am lost in my pain and my grief and I see no end.