Stephanie’s Fun Holiday Guide to Cancer Patient/Survivor Interaction

By Stephanie Sanders — Dec 11, 2011 8:20pm

I had a hard time sleeping again last night.  My burns are still in the getting worse before getting better stage and so every time I move in my sleep I wake up to them cracking open.  Not very comfortable and doesn’t make for a restful night of sleep.  This morning my shirt was stiff with dried fluid and patches of blood.  Good times.

I found myself awake in the middle of the night thinking about how much I am looking forward to Christmas but also dreading it in a way.  It’s hard to see family and friends whom I haven’t seen in a while.  It helps me to cope with hard things to try to see them in a funny light, so here’s my attempt:

Stephanie’s Fun Holiday
Guide to Cancer Patient/Survivor Interaction

There was this person recently who managed to get on my Santa’s bad list, by doing pretty much all the things that drive me crazy… in a single 3 minute interaction.  They are (in no particular order):

• Crouching down to talk to me rather than A. remain standing or B. sitting next to me in a chair, ‘cause, you know, you have to get down to my level now that I have been so mentally incapacitated by cancer.
• Used her “careful voice”, the I’m-talking-to-a-Sick-Person (uhm, I obviously felt well enough to attend a Christmas Party), who might fall over at any point if I use the same voice that I use for “normal people”.
• Acted surprised that I looked nice/pretty/better than she expected.
• Commented excessively on how my hair is coming in while inspecting my head for bald spots.
• Did what is known in cancer circles as, “The Death Watch”.  Look!  Cancer patient sitting in a chair!  I wonder if she’ll fall over?  Cancer patient is giving what may very well be her very
  last hug to her husband!  Cancer patient eating what might be her very last meal ever…
• Examined my chest to see if she could tell which “one” is real and which is fake.
• “But you must be so happy to be DONE with everything!”  I’m not Cancerella and this
  isn’t Cancer Disney where even if your gown (body) gets ripped to shreds, there is magic to instantly put it all back together again.  In fact in Cancer Disney, not only is the transformation instantaneous, you look/feel/have a life that is even better than before.
• Do you normally touch me? If not, now is not a good time to make your moves.
• Mixing any of the above still does not make for a great interaction.

So how to get on my Santa’s good list?

• Before making a statement or asking a question, check them twice, would you find the question naughty or nice?  For example, would you like it if every single person you knew commented
  on your appearance every single time they saw you?
• Please ask me how I am feeling before you say, “But you look wonderful!”  If I feel like
  something that gets scrapped off the pavement, then if you make the above comment, I feel like you aren’t/won’t listen if I feel awful.
• Look at me, really look.  Not The Death Watch look, but the I-Love-You-How-Are-You? look.  Do I look tired? Did you notice?  Am I in pain? Nauseous?  Many times you can tell how a person is feeling physically by looking at their eyes.  You don’t need to say, “You look really tired/sick/etc.,” just your noticing helps me to feel like you care.
• Talk to me about normal things in a normal voice.
• Appreciate that I am a completely different person, just because I was diagnosed with cancer.  My life is forever changed, my perspective, who I am as a person is different.  Get to know the new me and my new normal.