It has been 7 months since I was diagnosed with breast cancer and
treatment seems to be just dragging on. Especially these last couple of
days. I am so tired. No really. Exhausted. I feel like I have been
run over by a truck.
I have heard about this stage of the game
where you think you should start feeling better, I mean chemo is over
right? But the effects of 3 surgeries and 4 1/2 months of chemo
treatments has taken it's toll. Most people don't call anymore and I
haven't had a card in a long time but I am just starting the second
stage of my treatment. (okay, just having written that I am remembering
the love I got from Josh's sisters and aunt at the end of my Chemo.
Thanks guys, you rock!!! Most everyone else has disappeared.) I am
intensely fatigued, to the point of nausea and probably as weary of
cancer as everyone around me. Maybe that's why I don't hear from people
anymore. Maybe they don't want to hear that, yep, my life is still
hard. Yep. Still in treatment. Yep. Still tired and nauseous and my
fingers still tingle from neuropathy (that's permanent now). Yep.
Still freak out about minor lumps and bumps that could mark the return
of "the beast".
Clearly I'm feeling cranky today. I tried to nap
this afternoon, but like Friday when my sister came over so that I
could rest, I couldn't sleep. I hate this cancer fatigue plus insomnia
CRAP. I want my old life back, my old body. And everyone out there who
thinks that I would be feeling just fine now if I had skipped chemo and
just drunk vegetable smoothies can just...
Alright. Pity party over.
Okay. Still feeling snarky.
I
don't want to go to the cancer center tomorrow. I don't want to hear
my kids cry when I leave, which they have been doing lately. Tomorrow
starts the everyday-at-the-center regime. And I am so TIRED, but
radiation hasn't even started yet and that's supposed to be exhausting
and how am I supposed to make it? How is my family supposed to cope?
Jesus, we really need you now.
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