Resolving Differently

I was listening to HisRadioZ the other day and the DJ had made a resolution they were going to read 50 books in the next year. This when they had already missed last year’s resolution to read 40 books by one.

If it was me making the resolution it wouldn’t matter that I had read 39 books, it’s that one that gets me. The one I hadn’t read would make me a failure.

I hate New Year’s resolutions. New Year’s resolutions are like making lists of all the ways I’m going to mess up in the next year. 

It occurs to me maybe my inner voice (one of them at least) is not a friend, but a bully. That voice makes lists of all my failures, no matter how small. Creating flashing billboards in my mind of everything I have left undone is their favorite pastime. 

Nothing is sacrosanct. My prayers: never good enough. I don’t pray long enough. I missed reading my Bible that once.

In the past my solution: to make no resolutions. That would quiet that inner voice. Only, what kind of solution involves having no goals? (Don’t answer that.) What kind of life is it that doesn’t look forward with hope?

I’ve been struggling personally with feeling defeated. I turn 40 in March, and that’s not a big deal to me, not the birthday. Just that, after I was diagnosed with cancer when I was 33 I had resolved to accomplish all these things by 40, if God allowed me to live that long.

I’m still here, almost 40 and still here. It’s a miracle. But, I haven’t done much on my list.

Except getting chickens. Managed that one just fine.

The biggest thing on my list was writing a book. Which I did. And, it was a total miracle getting it written with five kids, of whom were a toddler and a preschooler. But unspoken on that list was getting my book published. And writing another. And maybe one more.

My accomplishments are not good enough.

God added conceiving a son, our fifth kiddo, at 36 to the list. Carrying my son to term despite hemorrhaging, not a big deal. Discovering chemo weakened my heart and having it fail, and then surviving heart failure; we survive what we have to, right?

Surviving isn’t good enough. I didn’t bring anything, well, big to the table in my 30s.

Every second Thursday I attend, mostly, a writer’s critique group in my area. I didn’t want to get up Thursday. My husband was out of town. I hadn’t showered. My writing wasn’t ready. I didn’t ask anyone to watch my son. 

I managed to pick up a shred of resolve. My older kids got to school. I called a friend who could watch my son. Short hair, wax and a black clip. Comfy black cords, a teal shirt and short boots for the rain. I had already prepared a section to bring, just not printed it. It wasn’t good enough. I took a deep breath and printed it anyway.

Our time together in our group, Cross N’ Pens begins with coffee (praise the Lord), announcements, a short prayer, then a devotion composed by one of the members. The person who had been scheduled was sick, so that morning, last minute, a woman prepared a reflection on the gospel passage she had been reading: the feeding of the 5,000 from the book of John.

My Lord and My God.

I forget I don’t need to have enough.  
I forget to bring the small bits I have to the table. 
I forget to give thanks for what I have. 
I forget God takes our broken and multiplies. 
And what Jesus gives is enough. More than enough.
 

Maybe you can join me in my resolve to resolve differently this year.

I resolve to be gentler to myself.

I resolve to set realistic goals and work to meet them.

I resolve to count my success, no matter how small.

                        For example: I got up 15 minutes late today, but I got up. Yeah, me.

I resolve to invite kindness and goodness to follow me all the days of my life, not criticism and belittling and not-good-enough.

Resolve, determination, is a form of strength. It’s a stick-to-it-ness that gets stuff done. In the past I viewed the New Year’s thing as a list making checklist of To-Dos for the year. What if it was different?

What if I made a list of Hoped-For?

What if I made a list of steps for personal growth?

What if I made To-Dos for the year and resolved to pray about them?

What if I resolved to be kind to myself this year?

Did you make New Year’s resolutions this year? What were they? What is your response when you meet them? How do you respond when you fall short?

3 Steps To Get Beyond Fear of the Future

Before my cancer diagnosis I would never have called myself a fearful person. But it has been at the back of my mind trying to ride me.

 

Deep inside we feel the certainty that fear and anxiety is not a state God intended us to live in. But how do you shake it?

There are clues hidden inside Proverb 31:25, “Clothed in strength and dignity, she laughs without fear of the future.”

Let’s take it apart. Here are 3 steps to help you get beyond fear of the future so you can live fully alive:

     1. Clothed In strength.

What does it mean to be clothed in strength?  Where do you find strength when you have none?

My strength doesn’t come from within me. In fact, there are times I don’t possess any strength at all. Lots of people would comment when I went through cancer treatment, especially with little kids. “You are so strong,” they’d say.

It wasn’t me.

My strength comes from knowing God loves me. God loves me more than my love for all my children put together. More than all the mothers in the world love their children. I can lean into God’s strength to get through the day when I have none.

If you don’t feel like God loves you, that’s okay. Tell him. God is big enough to handle your feelings. Even the ugly ones. Even fear and anxiety and anger. Even when you feel like God has betrayed you.  

Tell God how you feel. Make space for God to answer.

Jesus’ response might surprise you.

      2. Clothed In dignity.

      From where does our worth come? What does it mean to carry our dignity?

Colossians 3 took over as one of my favorite sections of the Bible recently. Verse 12 says, “God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved.”

My worth doesn’t come from my ability to get out of bed in the morning. My worth  

doesn’t come from what I do in day. Nor does it come from any super power I might 

possess.

My worth, my dignity comes as a gift because God gave it to me. God made me worth 

something. The God of the universe decided I was worth loving. No one can render 

Jesus’ words void.

Ask God to show you that he loves you.  

Struggling with depression once, I knew God existed but I didn’t think he loved me. So I asked Jesus to show me that he loved me. 

 All of a sudden I noticed the beautiful blues and purples that shaded the sky as it darkened into night. I felt a whisper in my soul, “I created this color because I know how much you love it.”

 Ask the Creator of the universe to show you he loves you. And he will.

 3. Laugh.

 You just can’t manage to be truly, deeply worried and belly laugh. Try it. I dare you.

When was the last time you laughed until the muscles in your face or side hurt? Sometimes we have to work harder to find joy. There’s a reason that it was called “a sacrifice of praise,” in the Old Testament part of the Bible.

Proverbs 17:22 says, “A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a downcast spirit dries up the bones. 

If you find yourself in a season of life where it’s hard to lift up your spirit find help. A funny show. A comedy movie. Comedian Jeanne Robertson is clean humor. If you don’t mind a small bit of swearing I recommend the late John Pinnet. (The first time I saw him I laughed so hard I had to have my husband stop the video so I could breathe.)

When you find yourself fearing the future it’s time to go to Jesus who can help. Lift up your cares. List all the gifts in your life. Find your worth in what God says about you. Laugh.

What have you had recently to laugh about or find joy in?

Finding Strength When You Have None

The Lord turned to him (Gideon) and said, “Go with the strength you have.”

~Judges chapter 6, verse 14, 

  the Bible (NAB)

Recently I've been struggling with stepping out in a new direction for my life.  Somehow I think that turning 39 tomorrow disqualifies me from starting a career writing.   

My best qualifications weren’t earned in a university or on the floor working at a major publisher or magazine.  

How exactly am I to find the strength to step in a new direction when I have none?

Hard to believe five bio children and an adoption of a teen from foster care are good for a biography.  Add “breast cancer and heart failure survivor in my 30s” to my resume.  Professional qualifications for sure.

During the Asheville Christian Writer’s Conference one of the speakers, Vonda Skelton, spoke on stepping out when God calls you in a new direction.  Many times when people speak of Gideon from the Bible book of Judges it’s to mock him for cowardice.  Vonda had a different persective.

She opened Gideon’s story with his history.  He lived during hard times; he had a hard life.  It wasn’t as if his family, indeed the entire people of Israel where hiding for nothing.  When the Midianites would come through they would raze everything, “They (the Midianites) came into the land to lay it waste. (Judges 6:5 NAB)”

When an angel from God came to talk with Gideon he was hiding for a good reason.  Starvation is a powerful motivator and Gideon was threshing his family’s wheat.  He had every reason to fear.  The entire nation of Israel could not find the strength to defeat Midian.

The angel greeted Gideon not with, “God is with you, mighty farmer!”  Or if God liked Gideon so much, “You rock, amazing thresher of wheat!”

But, “God is with you, mighty warrior,” or in some translations, “O Champion!” 

 

Uh, sorry?

It isn’t somehow shocking Gideon is confused.  To whom exactly is the angel talking?  It’s not self-effacing for Gideon to say, “Yeah, not so much.  My family aren’t warriors and I’m the weakest member of my family.  Are you sure you have the right guy?”

Angelic suggestions aside, what was God thinking asking me to write?  If you find me at home during the day I have good reason to be there.  Hello, 5 children with one (adoption) on the way.  I’m not hiding.  Exactly.

It’s just that I don’t feel up for the task.  Oh sure, I love to write.  And yeah, I get really passionate about helping people.

But really, God, why aren’t you calling someone more qualified?  Someone stronger.  More put together.

But, “The Lord turned to him (Gideon) and said, ‘Go with the strength you have…It is I who send you.’”

Go with the strength I have.  

God sees me.  God sees that I have a weak heart and extensive scars from cancer.  God sees my life at home with the kids.  Jesus isn’t calling me out so I fall flat on my face.  

Jesus is calling me in love to step out of my comfort zone.  I know health issues and big family and laundry.  The world of writing?  Not so much.

God is okay with my weakness.  More than that, Jesus wants to use my weaknesses to show the world that he loves them.  In my weakness God is strong.  

Ask God for help when you are afraid.  Fear is a powerful motivator.  Courage can be hard to find.  The phrase “take courage” or “take heart” means we have to grab ahold of it.  Let anxiety bubble up so those bubbles can burst in the presence of Jesus who loves us while we are still a mess.

Let God call you out into an unknown adventure.  Go in the strength you have and let God handle the rest.

Where is God calling you to step out of your comfort zone?