Resolving Differently

I was listening to HisRadioZ the other day and the DJ had made a resolution they were going to read 50 books in the next year. This when they had already missed last year’s resolution to read 40 books by one.

If it was me making the resolution it wouldn’t matter that I had read 39 books, it’s that one that gets me. The one I hadn’t read would make me a failure.

I hate New Year’s resolutions. New Year’s resolutions are like making lists of all the ways I’m going to mess up in the next year. 

It occurs to me maybe my inner voice (one of them at least) is not a friend, but a bully. That voice makes lists of all my failures, no matter how small. Creating flashing billboards in my mind of everything I have left undone is their favorite pastime. 

Nothing is sacrosanct. My prayers: never good enough. I don’t pray long enough. I missed reading my Bible that once.

In the past my solution: to make no resolutions. That would quiet that inner voice. Only, what kind of solution involves having no goals? (Don’t answer that.) What kind of life is it that doesn’t look forward with hope?

I’ve been struggling personally with feeling defeated. I turn 40 in March, and that’s not a big deal to me, not the birthday. Just that, after I was diagnosed with cancer when I was 33 I had resolved to accomplish all these things by 40, if God allowed me to live that long.

I’m still here, almost 40 and still here. It’s a miracle. But, I haven’t done much on my list.

Except getting chickens. Managed that one just fine.

The biggest thing on my list was writing a book. Which I did. And, it was a total miracle getting it written with five kids, of whom were a toddler and a preschooler. But unspoken on that list was getting my book published. And writing another. And maybe one more.

My accomplishments are not good enough.

God added conceiving a son, our fifth kiddo, at 36 to the list. Carrying my son to term despite hemorrhaging, not a big deal. Discovering chemo weakened my heart and having it fail, and then surviving heart failure; we survive what we have to, right?

Surviving isn’t good enough. I didn’t bring anything, well, big to the table in my 30s.

Every second Thursday I attend, mostly, a writer’s critique group in my area. I didn’t want to get up Thursday. My husband was out of town. I hadn’t showered. My writing wasn’t ready. I didn’t ask anyone to watch my son. 

I managed to pick up a shred of resolve. My older kids got to school. I called a friend who could watch my son. Short hair, wax and a black clip. Comfy black cords, a teal shirt and short boots for the rain. I had already prepared a section to bring, just not printed it. It wasn’t good enough. I took a deep breath and printed it anyway.

Our time together in our group, Cross N’ Pens begins with coffee (praise the Lord), announcements, a short prayer, then a devotion composed by one of the members. The person who had been scheduled was sick, so that morning, last minute, a woman prepared a reflection on the gospel passage she had been reading: the feeding of the 5,000 from the book of John.

My Lord and My God.

I forget I don’t need to have enough.  
I forget to bring the small bits I have to the table. 
I forget to give thanks for what I have. 
I forget God takes our broken and multiplies. 
And what Jesus gives is enough. More than enough.
 

Maybe you can join me in my resolve to resolve differently this year.

I resolve to be gentler to myself.

I resolve to set realistic goals and work to meet them.

I resolve to count my success, no matter how small.

                        For example: I got up 15 minutes late today, but I got up. Yeah, me.

I resolve to invite kindness and goodness to follow me all the days of my life, not criticism and belittling and not-good-enough.

Resolve, determination, is a form of strength. It’s a stick-to-it-ness that gets stuff done. In the past I viewed the New Year’s thing as a list making checklist of To-Dos for the year. What if it was different?

What if I made a list of Hoped-For?

What if I made a list of steps for personal growth?

What if I made To-Dos for the year and resolved to pray about them?

What if I resolved to be kind to myself this year?

Did you make New Year’s resolutions this year? What were they? What is your response when you meet them? How do you respond when you fall short?