Where Does Faith And Hope Come From?

Several weeks ago a church service, the last Ask Father Pat Sunday at church, has stayed with me. Especially in light of the recent death of Kate Spade and the attention paid to the shocking statistics in our country surrounding the issues of depression, anxiety, and suicide. The question from that Sunday keeps echoing in my mind. Haunting maybe.

An older woman asked, “What about faith and hope? What do you do when life gets hard, really hard, and your faith seems to shrivel up? What then?”

Every twelve weeks or so our pastor does a Sunday he calls, “Ask Father Pat Sunday,” in which parishioners can do what the title suggests. During the time normally set aside for the sermon/homily/preaching/or-whatever-else-you-call-it people from the congregation can ask anything. Something about the Bible bugging you or a question about last weeks Scripture? Ever wondered why Franciscans wear a brown robe that makes them look like a Jedi? Whatever you want to ask, the floor's open.


Faith and hope. When life gets hard, why is it so hard to believe in God’s goodness? Sometimes we even doubt God’s existence.

I have been studying issues related to this very topic ever since my cancer diagnosis in 2011. More recently I have been looking at endless pages of research as I get ready to send a proposal to a literary agent for the publication of my first finished manuscript.

Did you know that in 2012, in a Gallup study of 60,000 women, twenty-eight percent of stay-at-home moms (SAHM) and seventeen percent of working moms describe the previous day’s emotional state as depressed? Did you know forty-two percent of SAHM and thirty-six percent of working moms report struggling with daily life?

  As Christians it can be especially hard when hard things happen. And I’m not talking break your nail kind of hard. I remember feeling betrayed by God when, after the birth of our firstborn, our infant daughter developed colic. She would cry, I’m not kidding or exaggerating here, eight hours a day. Eight. Hours. A. Day.

My feelings were a raw mess. I loved Jesus and I was a nice person. Sure babies cry. I was not expecting learning to be a mom to be easy. I was expecting lots of hard work.

A baby who bawled her eyes out until she fell into exhausted sleep, sleep that ran in only forty minute increments day or night, was not what I thought a loving Father God should let happen to daughters who love him. I frantically searched my life for sins I could confess that would mean my baby slept better. What prayers could I pray that would make her better?

Was I unworthy as God’s daughter? Did he not love me? Was I being punished for being bad?

I never did figure out how to pray the right way or confess the right thing.

Instead I learned how to survive what felt nearly intolerable. I cannot begin to describe what welled up in me as my precious firstborn baby cried day after day in endless hours of pain. How many times I would lay her on my bed and both of us would sob. How many doctors I took her to exhausted, and apparently incoherent, as they told me in a condescending way, "Babies do cry sometimes." Or that "I was over-attentive and just needed to let her cry it out."

My faith was shaken. My husband felt abandoned by God. Barely married a year and our marriage began to disintegrate.

What is hope? 

Hope is the faith that somehow, somewhere, sometime things will get better. 

So how, exactly, do you hope when it seems nothing you do has an influence on the outcome? I felt impotent. I couldn’t find anything to help my daughter and I couldn’t help my husband find a faith in a God I myself was not sure was good.

What then?

What about being diagnosed with breast cancer while nursing my four month old? Should I wish to be among the fifty percent of young women still alive two years after diagnosis while I watched the two friends I made in treatment worsen and die?

One of the things realized, at last, a few years ago was I believed in this definition of faith:

    Faith is the evidence of things I hope for and are within my control, and the conviction of things I can see if I squint right and can make happen if I try harder.

Instead of this one from the book of Hebrews:
   
    Faith is the evidence of things hoped for, and the conviction of things not yet seen.
                                                                                                            (Heb 11:1 NRSV)

Most of the things I hope for I can have an influence on their appearance in my life, even if it’s a long shot. Many of the things I hope for are material in nature. I learned through living hard things that much of my faith was not placed in God, it was placed in myself. And I fail. In reality I have so little control over anything other than myself. Even then, despite my choices to eat organic, locally sourced, free-range spinach, I won’t live forever.

When my hope is placed in all the stuff of this life, some of it really good things, health for instance, I am sure to be disappointed. I was diagnosed with chemo induced heart failure after the birth of our last child. My hopes placed in an invincible body that doesn’t ever hurt or breakdown until I die peacefully in my sleep at ninety is not the hope God offers.

Instead God, our good Father, holds out a gift that is lasting. Everlasting. Instead God holds out the unseen to replace the broken 'seen' in our lifetimes living in our broken world. In exchange for belief in Jesus, God offers Heaven. Eternal life after this one passes.

If, or lets be honest, when my faith rests on things that I can see and control, it’s like a toy in the hand of my four-year-old son, any toy really. The toy or my faith will be broken.

But it was not God who broke faith with me when my life got hard. God is not the faith breaker. He never promised Christians a free pass on all hard things once they believe.

So our choice is this: hard things in life without God, or hard things in life with a relationship with God.

I’ve chosen. It’s easier with God. Not easy, easier.

And sometimes harder too. Because just last week God asked me to admit to my husband I was being irrational and a jerk. And then, God invited me of all things, to apologize for my behavior. And then, I had to ask for my husband’s forgiveness.

Don’t be discouraged when your heart is broken in this life, by this life. You are not alone. Never alone. God is with you and longs to help you rebuild a shattered faith and life until your hope rests on something, and someone, eternal.

How has your faith been shaped by life? Are they ways I can pray for you this next week?

Five Things To Avoid During Family Vacations

Last weekend our family went camping at Myrtle Beach State Park.

Think five kids with their parents in one big tent, ninety degree days with ninety percent humidity, four year old boys, fire, sand and sleep in thiry minute increments.

Since I’m a firm believer in learning from other’s mistakes whenever possible, here’s the take away:

Five Things To Avoid During Family Vacations 

So You Don’t Lose Your Ever-loving Mind 

(In Chronological Order)

1. Pack With Five Kids Running Around Shouting, “Beach!” and “Swimming!” and “S’mores!”

    This blog is all about living inside of your God-given strengths. So let me just admit, camping organization is not one of mine. Even on a normal day. (And when, exactly, is life “normal”?)
   
    The right stuff got packed. Mostly. But, where, in fact was it packed?

    The reality of packing for a family vacation is kids running around on those first few days after school lets out, and ahem, fighting with each other, the dog running around barking at the fighting kids, and me trying to balance life. I'm not a ninja-mom-gymnast so this meant the camping stuff ended up in random bags as I thought of those items to be packed. If you pack this way you end up in a campground with your helpful husband trying to set up dinner and asking for where you packed things.

    And then you will say something stupid like, “The camping things are in the bags.”
   
    You both look at the haphazard pile of camping gear, kids backpacks, sand toys, and grocery bags.

    “I’m looking for the matches so I can start the fire. Where in all these bags are the matches?”
   
    Your brilliant reply, “If you wanted to know where the matches are, then you should have been the one to pack them.”

    Ouch. Yes, husband, I packed the things in with the other stuff. I have no idea where it all went.
   
    Including my ever-loving mind.

    Emphasis on the loving part.

2. Don’t Make a Plan for Your Four Year Olds Entertainment While You Set Up the Tent

    We had a shaded campsite chosen, first because it was available, and second because it was close to the bathrooms without needing to worry about constant foot traffic around our campsite all night long. Myrtle Beach State Park is well kept like one might expect from the State Parks system. But it is the beach. Or beach-ish with the campground an easy walk, maybe quarter to half mile down to the water from our site.

    As a beach campground the packed “earth” of the site was really mostly sand. I expected our seven year old daughter and four year old son to run around in the water and spend all day building sand castles at the beach. Not within two feet of the tailgate of the van. Or right next to the water spigot.

    And as my daughter made sand mountains my son decided to turn them into volcanoes that exploded as he stomped them because a. Flying sand is fun, and b. Making your sister cry is even better.
   
    Setting up a campsite doesn’t take that long when you have two uninterrupted adults putting everything to rights. Why would I even think of planning for my children’s entertainment while we did so? It’s not like I haven’t been a mom, for say, fourteen years. (insert face-palm)

    Do me one better. When you drive up to your site don’t just plan out where to put the tent. Pick the least ankle breaking spot for your kids to dig their holes and reserve that space for excavation and sand mountain remodeling. Or, if you don't want to mediate fights every two minutes, get out the coloring stuff first.

3. Forget to Research the Acceptable Shade Devises for the Beach

    Who knew it is illegal to set up a shade tent on the beach inside Horry County? I would if I had thought it was even a thing. Who knew it was a thing?
   
    Well, the beach life guard and parks service representative for one. I’m telling you now, it’s a thing. We didn’t get a citation, thankfully, but each county has a code about the dimensions and type of shelters legal for beach use.

    Chagrined, I took down our sun shade where it sat all day, and the next, in the bag and not able to provide that respite from the June sun.

    One Sander’s family extra-crispy coming up.

4. Bring One Set of Shampoo/Conditioner Because It Saves Space
 

    We recently downsized from a large eight passenger truck (think Suburban or Excursion) to a mini-van to save on gas millage. Very recently. Before the purchase we made sure the whole family would fit comfortably in a mini-van for travel.

    This is, unfortunately, the comfortable of going to Costco or church.

    After adding seven sleeping bags or blankets, seven pillows, one extra-large family tent, a camp stove and propane, ice chest, and beach gear it became crystal clear people will be climbing on top of each other, literally, in order to get out during bathroom stops. As a woman of above average intelligence I then decided taking two bars of soap, two travel shampoos, and two conditioners was simply one too much of everything. Clearly it would tip the load. We could take turns like rational people. Because two travel sized soaps would make a huge difference in packing.
   
    After spending the day at the beach getting extra crispy without our sun tent, and before dinner, my husband and I thought it would be a relief to get out of the wet suits and shower off all the sand that inevitably ends up in places you don’t want it to be when you are crouched around a camp fire roasting hot dogs and marshmallows.

    This is actually a great plan until confronted with the reality of camp ground showering facilities.

    The weekend we camped it was ninety degrees at the beach with ninety percent humidity. Somehow if you compress ninety degrees with ninety percent humidity and add running tepid water in a three foot by three foot shower stall, so that even while standing under the running water you are still sweating, then every kid will want to shower with mom. Because mom has the only soap, shampoo and conditioner.

    Bring extra shampoo. At least one. Or maybe one per person.

5. Only Bring One Fan For The Tent

    Summer days in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina are amazing. When we were there the waves were warm, the sand endless. There is literally no end to the entertainment value of the ocean and sand for all five kids, ages four to fourteen. Even the ones complaining about the lack of video games. We played in the water until all our toes were permanent prunes.

    At some point though, you have to go back to the campground and get your people to go to sleep.

    If you choose to camp anytime between May and October in the South you will know what hell is. You will know because it will be approximately the temperature needed to bake a casserole inside your tent.

    And that single “wind tunnel effect” fan you brought won’t cut it. Not even a little.

    Your people will need to sleep. Let me correct that. They might not need to sleep. But you NEED your people to sleep. And not in thirty minute increments between kicking their neighbor, complaining about their previously favorite sibling breathing “their air” or being in “their space bubble”. And needing to go potty. And tattling on their sibling for having their eyes open.

    Bring a second fan. It could save a life.


    So, this was our recent family vacation camping at Myrtle Beach.

    It was… memory building.


   Do you have any funny or wince-worthy family vacation stories to share?

5 Tips To Recover After Travel

     Recently I attended the Blue Ridge Mountains Christian Writers Conference which involved five days away from the family.

     Before leaving was busy as I set up my husband to handle the kid’s activities, meals, and still work from home. I had a great week away working on the craft of writing and networking with great people. But it’s also a long week of job interviews and classes, and I came home tired. It got me thinking of our summer travel plans.
    

     Often I find myself frazzled after our summer fun. What are ways to make summer travel easier?
    
     Here’s 5 Tips to Recover After Travel (so you don’t die or kill your family)

1. Set up at least one dinner ahead of time for your return.

     I don’t know about you but the last thing I want to do when I get back from the beach or camping is cook dinner. Even if we get in late, well after the dinner hour, having a meal set up for the next day at home is a Godsend. The first full day back is usually spent unloading backpacks and suitcases, doing laundry and settling back into the home. And I’m usually exhausted.

     Why not cook something ahead of time?

     Meals I like to set up so I don’t have to do more than cook fresh rice or pasta are:

Chili - Chili can be frozen in quantity, I just stick mine into the freezer in a big plastic tub, and tastes great reheated. A simple set up of the rice cooker and 45 minutes later I have a hot meal ready to serve on a day I didn’t feel like cooking.

Soup - Whenever I make a soup I always make a double batch. My husband and I both work to keep at least one meal of chicken noodle for seven in the freezer for these occasions. And because mom-is-sick-of-cooking happens even on a regular day.

Goulash - American goulash is a kid friendly twist on spaghetti. Goulash like this one here: Goulash, can be made ahead of time, just withhold the noodles until reheating. After the sauce is thawed and reheated just add the noodles directly to the sauce to cook. My kids love this dish with our gluten-free brown rice macaroni noodles and sprinkled with shredded cheese.

2. Have a quiet activity prepped for the first day home

     One of the downsides of a return home is everyone is fatigued. And tired kids are kids who pick fights with each other.

     Knowing this is going to happen I prep a simple activity ahead of time. I’m not a mom good at all the Pinterest worthy kids crafts, so by simple I mean I go and get a pack of inexpensive sidewalk chalk, bubbles, or a set of spiral bound art paper and new colored pencils.

     Anything that engages kids for at least a half hour and which I can bring out when people start to get on each other’s nerves.


3. Enforce a mandatory nap time. For everyone. That means you too.

     Traveling is an energy drain so plan time for extra rest on your return. Even if your kids are too old for naps (or think they are) everyone could use more down time after a trip. Set at least an hour or two after lunch your first full day home. Older children can bring books, paper and drawing supplies or a favorite toy, but everyone must be on their bed for the time you set.

     For my kiddos with difficulty not talking and bugging their roommate-sibling I remind them their time doesn’t start until they stop talking.

     Even if reality with parenting five kids is I don’t get more than a power 15-20 minute nap, I can rest, or at least enjoy the temporary quiet and get up ready to take on the household again.


     What things do you do to recover after a trip?