I don’t
know why we use the phrase “hot headed” to describe some people’s style when
they get angry. From personal experience I can say my head isn’t the problem when
I’m mad.
The
phrase that would be more apt would be “full mouthed.”
Before
I was diagnosed with breast cancer six years ago I didn’t consider memorizing parts
or verses in the Bible my kind of thing. However, I found it immensely helpful
both during treatment and the anxiety ridden “new normal” period afterward to
more than have my Bible handy, to have it with me in my head.
One of
the first verses I memorized was during the Lent I spent waiting for and
undergoing a mastectomy:
“Rejoice in the
Lord always. I say it again: rejoice! Your kindness should be known to all. The
Lord is near.”
~Philippians
4:4-5
In treatment
for the cancer I focused on finding joy in my day. I prayed for God to be close
to my heart and to feel Jesus’ presence.
Recently
I have come back to these verses for another reason. “My kindness should be known to
all.”
These
verses have been striking me, am I known for my kindness? Do the people important to me know my kindness?
Does my
husband know me as kind? Is that how he would describe me to his friends?
How
about my kids? I don’t think they would put that word in the top ten words to
describe their mother.
If not, then I am not close to The
Lord.
In the
gospels (the sections of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John in the Bible) it says Christians
should be known by their love. And I think of myself as a loving person. But am
I kind? Another version of the Bible uses the word gentle. Am I known for a kind and gentle
love? Enough to be noted for it?
So. I’m
back to another cliché phrase, “Think before you speak.” The problem for me is that phrase doesn’t tell me what to think about.
I DO
think before I speak. I am thinking, “You hurt me. And now I’m mad.” Or, “Seriously!
Stop bugging your brother/sister/the dogs/AND YOUR MOTHER!” (and now my three
year old, 3!, has started saying, “Seriously!” in this interesting tone…)
Some
of my most hurtful words have come, not when I’m mad, but when I haven’t
considered the fullness of their meaning to the other person. And what is the
point of speaking if the other is unintentionally, unhelpfully wounded?
A pastor
friend gave this acronym to me after breast cancer treatment and I am taking it
out and dusting it off. This is my resolution - to think of this before I speak:
T - is it True?
H - is it Helpful?
I - is it Inspiring?
N - is it Necessary?
K - is it Kind?
H - is it Helpful?
I - is it Inspiring?
N - is it Necessary?
K - is it Kind?
I don’t knowingly speak lies or
hearsay. But is what I say helpful to the
other? Is that my goal in speaking, to help? Do the words I speak lift the
other up in some way? If I am trying to educate my kids on some matter, is
there a better way to phrase it -a way that would inspire instead of rebuke?
Is what is about to fall out of my
mouth necessary? Does that person really need me to speak? Or am I trying to be
the Holy Spirit and do the work of convicting. Because sometimes God just doesn’t do a good enough job?
It is not my job to be another person’s moral
compass. To speak out in protection of another? -Yes. But are my words edifying
the other in an effective manner?
If the above acronym isn’t applicable,
then I either need to work on my delivery or be quiet.
My
priest has challenged me to place notes around the house where I discipline the
kids that say, “Be kind.”
Not
because my kids don’t need correction. Not because
I should provide less discipline or structure for them. But as a reminder my kids will be profoundly shaped by my tone, by my
demeanor, by my word choice.
I don’t want my kids to forever
remember something I said because of how much it wounded them. I want my legacy
with my children to be love. I want my legacy with my kids to be: mom wasn’t
perfect, but wow, a couple of times it felt like I was in the presence of God
while she was speaking. Or: even if I was in trouble, I always felt accepted
and valued by my mom.
As a parent I’m supposed to be one of
the first and best teachers of my kids. Am I? Do I even try? Or worse, what exactly am I teaching them?
I don’t want my husband’s experience of
marriage to be a wife who was often right but whom no one would describe as
kind with the truth.
When I am not spending time with God I
fall short. What I say might be true, but it’s not kind. Or it’s a thoughtless
truth, which might be worse.
If
I want my kids to be kind and compassionate human beings then it starts with
me. With my words. With my shaping of the home environment.
It
starts with joy. Always! And my kindness spread throughout the house and to my
friends. A kindness possible because I have a deep well of compassion to draw
from. A kindness that is experienced. That folks can taste and see that it is good.
So, I take walks on windy days and I
sit, still and silent on my couch and pray. When I can’t sleep I get up, light
a candle, and tell God about my day or about turning in another set of adoption
paperwork and the boy I would like to call my son.
If I sit at the feet of a compassionate
Jesus then I am able to act inside His strength: Joy and Kindness.
Do you have any special memory tricks or routines for
being careful with your words?
