What happens when insecurity is unavoidable?
Six years ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer out of the
blue. I had no risk factors: I was a healthy weight, nursed 4 babies, used a
natural deodorant and ate organic food. Being diagnosed with cancer in my early
30s turned my life upside-down.
How do you embrace insecurity? Impossible.
In all of my dreams for my life I was sure I would get
another 50+ years to figure life out. Facing the very real possibility of my
death from cancer left me insecure about my future. I was young. I was sure I
had decades to make a difference.
What if I only had today?
Now, six years later, I still feel that insecurity. My
treatment for cancer saved my life but damaged my heart. What if I only had
today to love my husband and kids? What if my heart gave out? What if I only
had today to enjoy the weather? What if I only had today to enjoy my two year
old’s silly faces, my kindergartener’s two front teeth growing in, and my older
children’s laughter?
I’ve spent much of the last six weeks single parenting while
my husband works hard on a joint project with another company away from home.
Life with five kids and no spouse? I’m tired.
This morning I woke to the reality my husband was still in Boston
on business and I was it: the adult home needing to handle all the details to
get five kids up and out the door. I had a choice. I wanted to bury myself
under the covers and hit the snooze. Even making a cup of coffee felt like too much.
In that moment I received a gift of grace: I looked at what
could be my last day on earth.
Insecurity? Maybe.
Would I choose to spend my last day grumbling about my husband
being gone? The trash needed to be taken out? I would need to make my own
coffee (tragic I know). There would be no one walking alongside me in waking
the kids, helping three girls with their hair, driving them to school.
But that’s not reality either. This morning I woke up to
God.
God was with me when I woke up “alone”. God helped me to
remember I have no guarantee of the future. God helped me to see living in the
gift of today is a choice.
As a future oriented person with two major health diagnosis
it might be easy to focus on the negative. I have little control over weather I
live to see tomorrow. What if that was a gift instead of a loss?
What if I woke everyday saying, “This is the day the Lord
has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it?”
What if I woke saying that Bible
verse whether my husband was home to help me or not? What if I woke to that
verse even if I was up until 10:30 last night with three separate kid’s ridiculous
requests? (Apparently if you join your sister in bed she still shouldn’t be
touching you. Who knew?) What if I woke with a song on my heart even if my two
year old added in a nightmare and calling for me last night?
What if my day’s joy had nothing to do with how tired I am?
What if today’s joy was not contingent on my tomorrow?
Embrace the insecurities of life. Learn to live with the
future by living in the moment. It is, in fact, the only moment you are guaranteed.
What Bible verses, famous quotes or sayings help you to be grateful
or joyful for your day?
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