Embracing Insecurity

Most people fight insecurity. Avoid it at all costs.

What happens when insecurity is unavoidable?

Six years ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer out of the blue. I had no risk factors: I was a healthy weight, nursed 4 babies, used a natural deodorant and ate organic food. Being diagnosed with cancer in my early 30s turned my life upside-down. 

How do you embrace insecurity? Impossible.

In all of my dreams for my life I was sure I would get another 50+ years to figure life out. Facing the very real possibility of my death from cancer left me insecure about my future. I was young. I was sure I had decades to make a difference.

What if I only had today?

Now, six years later, I still feel that insecurity. My treatment for cancer saved my life but damaged my heart. What if I only had today to love my husband and kids? What if my heart gave out? What if I only had today to enjoy the weather? What if I only had today to enjoy my two year old’s silly faces, my kindergartener’s two front teeth growing in, and my older children’s laughter?

I’ve spent much of the last six weeks single parenting while my husband works hard on a joint project with another company away from home. Life with five kids and no spouse? I’m tired.

This morning I woke to the reality my husband was still in Boston on business and I was it: the adult home needing to handle all the details to get five kids up and out the door. I had a choice. I wanted to bury myself under the covers and hit the snooze. Even making a cup of coffee felt like too much.

In that moment I received a gift of grace: I looked at what could be my last day on earth.

Insecurity? Maybe.

Would I choose to spend my last day grumbling about my husband being gone? The trash needed to be taken out? I would need to make my own coffee (tragic I know). There would be no one walking alongside me in waking the kids, helping three girls with their hair, driving them to school.

But that’s not reality either. This morning I woke up to God.

God was with me when I woke up “alone”. God helped me to remember I have no guarantee of the future. God helped me to see living in the gift of today is a choice.

As a future oriented person with two major health diagnosis it might be easy to focus on the negative. I have little control over weather I live to see tomorrow. What if that was a gift instead of a loss?

What if I woke everyday saying, “This is the day the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it?” 

What if I woke saying that Bible verse whether my husband was home to help me or not? What if I woke to that verse even if I was up until 10:30 last night with three separate kid’s ridiculous requests? (Apparently if you join your sister in bed she still shouldn’t be touching you. Who knew?) What if I woke with a song on my heart even if my two year old added in a nightmare and calling for me last night?

What if my day’s joy had nothing to do with how tired I am? What if today’s joy was not contingent on my tomorrow?

Embrace the insecurities of life. Learn to live with the future by living in the moment. It is, in fact, the only moment you are guaranteed.

What Bible verses, famous quotes or sayings help you to be grateful or joyful for your day?

When the Unexpected Happens

Please forgive me for taking so long to post. This last month has been CRAZY:

• I turned 39. 
  
• My husband’s 20 year old car died –the distributor. And then died again –the transmission, it has been laid to rest with the mechanic. 
• We don’t have the money to replace it.
• My computer died. I used my birthday money to buy a new laptop.
• The new laptop shipped straight from store in a factory sealed box with a corrupted hard drive that 2 hours and 2 phone calls to tech support couldn’t resolve. 
• I’m currently still waiting for my money to be refunded so I can order a replacement. I’m praying my old laptop will hold on long enough to be able to even write and post this.
• All the while my husband has either been out of the country. Or working 12+ hour days leaving me to single parent our 5 children.
• Our adoption was put on hold waiting for a new caseworker to be assigned as our previous caseworker moved to a new region.

This is not exactly my idea of a good month.

What exactly do we do with the unexpected hard times?

If my good days are dependent on my circumstances then I’m sunk.

• My husband’s home now, but he needs to put in some long hours this week to finish out this project.
• It’s the kid’s spring break but we don’t have a second car to even go to the park.
• Until my money is refunded I’m stuck with an old computer that dies unexpectedly at unfortunate times (reminder to self to save frequently). So I’m out my birthday cash with nothing to show for it.
• Tomorrow we meet with our region’s foster adoption supervisor. We have been reassigned to a new caseworker but I have no idea where our case is now.
• I’m emotionally tired. And tomorrow I will be one day closer to pushing 40.

Maybe these are silly examples.

But they are only different from my hardest months by magnitude.

When difficulty comes it’s hard to handle when we look for hope and joy where it was never promised. Our daily circumstances rise and fall, often without our control. How do we have good days in the midst of hard circumstances?

It starts with gratitude for what we do have: 

• I have a beautiful spring day. 
• All my children are living. 
• Our working car is the one that holds us all. 
• Right this second my computer is working. 
• My husband loves me. 
• I had great tasting coffee this morning…

Great days in the midst of hard times starts in the small places in our hearts. Giving thanks. Choosing to pay attention to a demanding toddler and give them patient love. Seeing past the attitude coming out of the mouth of a teen to their heart’s cry, Love me.

God will let hard days come. Does it mean he doesn’t love us? Nope.

We look for peace where it was never promised: in our circumstances. The peace that God promises is for our hearts. A peace that transcends circumstance.

And that’s the kind of peace I need today.

How has your last month been? Where do you turn when life gets hard? Do you have a favorite saying or Bible verse for those times?